Boundaries Are Not Walls — They Are the Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Neglect
Psychotherapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab writes that boundary issues are at the root of anxiety, burnout, resentment and toxic relationships. Most people were never taught how to set limits: they grew up in families where needs were ignored, emotions were dismissed, or saying no was considered selfish. As adults, this shows up as overcommitment, people-pleasing, and a quiet resentment that builds until you snap.
What Boundaries Actually Are
A boundary is a limit you define around what you will accept from others and what you will take responsibility for. It is not a wall; it is a gate. It lets in what you choose and keeps out what you do not.
| Type | Examples |
|---|---|
| Physical | Personal space, no unexpected drop-ins, asking before hugging, privacy in the bathroom |
| Emotional | Not taking responsibility for another person feelings, not tolerating verbal abuse, sharing personal information gradually |
| Time | No work email after 7 pm, no meetings before 9 am, taking a real lunch break, not answering texts immediately |
| Mental / intellectual | Right to disagree, no need to justify your choices, limiting conversations that drain you |
| Material / financial | What you lend, to whom, and when; not paying for adult family members; not lending your car without permission |
| Digital | No social media on weekends, turning off notifications, not responding after bedtime |
| Sexual | Consent, what you are comfortable with, right to say no at any time |
Signs You Need Better Boundaries
- You say yes when you mean no.
- You feel responsible for other people happiness.
- You overextend yourself at work and then resent it.
- You ignore your own needs to keep the peace.
- People take advantage of your time or resources.
- You feel exhausted after interactions with certain people.
- You apologize for things that are not your fault.
- You do not know what you actually want — only what others expect.
- You stay in relationships that drain you because leaving feels selfish.
- You have trouble asking for what you need.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard
| Fear | The Reality |
|---|---|
| I will hurt their feelings. | You are responsible for your choices, not their reaction. People who matter will adjust. |
| I will be seen as rude or selfish. | Your needs are as important as everyone else needs. |
| They will get angry or leave. | If someone leaves because you set a limit, they were not respecting you to begin with. |
| I do not know where to start. | Start small. You can build the skill like a muscle. |
| I should be able to handle it. | Being unable to handle something indefinitely is not a failure; it is a signal. |
How to Set a Boundary (Script Included)
A boundary has three parts: state the limit, state the reason briefly, state the consequence. No long explanation, no apology.
Work Example
Vague: I am so busy, I might not get to that.
Clear: I can take that on, but I cannot start until next week. If you need it sooner, please talk to my manager about reprioritizing.
Family Example
Vague: I cannot really talk right now.
Clear: I have 10 minutes. Let us catch up properly on Sunday.
Friend Example
Vague: I am not sure I can make it.
Clear: I cannot make it this time, but I would love to catch up one-on-one soon.
Digital Example
Vague: Sorry, I did not see your text.
Clear: I do not check my phone after 8 pm, so I will reply in the morning.
When Someone Crosses a Boundary
State it once, calmly. If they push, repeat the boundary (the broken-record technique):
Them: Can you just help me out this once?
You: I cannot help this time.
Them: But it is really important.
You: I hear you. I cannot help this time.
Them: You never help anyone.
You: I understand you are frustrated. I cannot help this time.
Do not over-explain. Do not argue. Do not justify. Repeat.
Boundaries with Yourself
The most overlooked boundaries are the ones you set with yourself:
- No working after dinner.
- No scrolling in bed.
- No checking email first thing in the morning.
- No food at your desk.
- Leaving the office at the same time every day.
- Not answering calls from people who drain you.
- Ending conversations that go in circles.
Self-boundaries are how you respect your own energy. If you cannot keep a promise to yourself, you will not be able to keep boundaries with others.
Common Myths
Myth: Boundaries push people away.
Reality: Clear boundaries build trust. People know where they stand. Unspoken limits breed resentment and blowups.
Myth: Saying no is selfish.
Reality: Saying no to something that drains you lets you say yes to what matters. It is self-respect, not selfishness.
Myth: If they loved me, they would know my limits.
Reality: Other people are not mind readers. You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: What if I feel guilty after setting a boundary?
Guilt is normal at first. It passes as you build the muscle. Notice it and do it anyway.
Q: How do I say no without feeling rude?
Be direct, brief, and kind. No need for a long excuse. I cannot make it works fine.
Q: What if someone gets angry when I set a boundary?
Their anger is information about them, not about your boundary. Stay calm, repeat the limit, and remove yourself if needed.
Q: Can I change my mind later?
Yes. Boundaries are flexible. You can say yes next time. The point is choice, not rigidity.
Q: How do I start?
Pick one small boundary this week. Maybe no phone at dinner. Notice how it feels. Build from there.
Q: When do boundaries become walls?
When they are defensive, inflexible, and prevent all closeness. Healthy boundaries are clear but flexible; walls protect against everything, including what you want.
References
- Tawwab NG. Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Penguin Random House, 2021.
American Psychological Association. Boundaries and Relationships. https://www.apa.org/
Mayo Clinic. Stress Management: Set Boundaries. https://www.mayoclinic.org/
National Institute of Mental Health. Healthy Relationships. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/
Brene Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection and Boundaries Work. https://brenebrown.com/
Harvard Business Review. How to Set Boundaries That Actually Stick. https://hbr.org/
This article is educational. If boundary issues are tied to trauma, abuse or codependency, consider working with a therapist who specializes in these areas.